I expect this blog to be read by sisters only... So if you were a brother: "Indeed, I seek refuge in the Most Merciful from you, [so leave me], if you should be fearing of Allah " (Surah: Maryam, Ayah: 18)

Monday, December 26, 2016

The Disappointed Mom!...

So first thing to say is that taking care of a baby is definitely different from taking care of a toddler...

A baby is completely dependent on you... a baby reacts, and rarely initiates action (do I hear mischief?)...

And since my Leo got into toddlerhood, things are not being easy...



One: since even before he was born, I decided that I will be a perfectly quiet mom. No shouting. No screaming. I keep looking at the cover of my "Scream-Free Parenting" book and smiling to myself saying "Yes, I can do it... I can parent with love only"... let me tell you what, I am parenting with love, but with loud love. Oh, yeah.... a couple of times I shouted so far...may alittle more than a couple of times... but not so many more... ok may be I lost it for five or six times so far! But each time I apologize for my boy, and explain that this is not the correct way of talking to each other, and tell him that "Mommy was not a good girl when she shouted" and that I am sorry, and that I want us to be friends again... It is exhausting and stressful... controlling my nerves and keeping my calm is easier (ok, mama... remind of this next time when I am about to lose my nerves!!)



Two: I have always thought that I will raise my son to be a peaceful boy. No violent play. No hitting. No fighting. No superheroes (as long as this is something that I can control). No guns. No shooting make-believe. So far I am being in control of all of these, and alhamdulellah he is not interested in any kind of violent play. His ultimate favorites are vehicles and animals, and some ball kicking. BUT!!!! He hits other kids! They keep telling me this in the day care... he is not patient enough to "talk". He asks for something once, if he sees no reaction he hits. He asks a little girl who is on the swing to let him set and play with the swing, if she does not move at once, he hits her to make her understand that he means it! Well, hitting is -at least- a better option that his previous horrible way of communication: biting! Yes, he used to bite his friends... as a way of playing, as a way of showing interest, and as a way of showing anger... and let me tell you: this last type of biting some times left serious marks! once or twice he was bit back, but he was the main biter in the daycare. Back to hitting, I used to be extremely disappointed. But the other day his teacher in day care told me something that changed my perspective: there are two little girls, Beesa and Deesana, that he keeps telling me that they are naughty. He NEVER gives me any good feedback about them. He keeps ignoring them when we look at photos of daycare kids, and when I insist on asking him who these girls are, he answers "No Beesa" or "No Deesana". This lead me to think that they are really naughty girls. Or may be that they keep hitting him, or harassing or teasing him which leads him to hit them. But when I asked his teacher about the nature of his relationship with these two girls, she said that these are the most quiet girls in the day care, and that they both are the only little ones that keep quiet when he hits them. Ok, I am not sure what to feel! On one hand, this might make me feel comfortable, because this might mean that he is hitting as a way of asking for interaction, a way of communication... and he keeps saying that they are naughty because they do not interact with him like other kids... so it could be just a childly-twisted way of asking them to participate in the play...
On the other hand, though, it could be a form of the general community's tendency to elect the best, and neglect the week. Which is very annoying and stressful to me, because I look at this as a sick formalization of capitalism, and an early sign of a competitive character... (may be too much phelosophysed but yes, this is inevitable with my mind!)



Three: I am so far not being able to convince hubby to follow a certain consistent way of disciplining our little one. Not just that I have to keep my nerves calm, it is also that I have to put ALOT of effort in keeping hubby calm as well. Send him coded signals to remind him to calm down when he starts getting angry if little Leo did not behave by the book (which is not exactly what is expected from a terrible two-er!) like a wink, an eyes' flash... etc... and the  problem is that I, myself, is not being able to give the ideal example that I want him to follow, which makes it even more difficult to convince him with some specifics...

These are three major sources of disappointment of a contemporary age working mother of a two-year old boy!

I am open for your input... :-)

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Still Standing!

Yes, I am still here...

Barely reading any blogs...

Super extra busy... Whether at home or at work...



At work, I discovered that the higher you rank, the more responsibilities you have, the less time you can possibly spend on non-work related issues during the hours you are supposed to work... (surprisingly, in the middle east most of the time it is the other way around: the higher you rank, the less you have to do, the more free time you have at hand)...

At home, oh..... I discovered that a toddler is MUCH MORE time consuming than just a little baby! The attention they need, the mental dedication that you have to give in order to maintain that healthy connection with them... the caution you need to keep when they are hurricaning around... that all prevents you from having your mind "productive" as much as it used to be. Outside the area of family, I would say...

Alot is happening there around the world. The world is changing. I am changing, whether as mother, or as a woman, or a Muslim. I have alot to say (like the native American and Hawaiian people that I have recently met, Kanumommy :-)), but time is not at my side AT ALL!

I will try to give some time to my little corner in the coming days.

I want to be in touch with you all again (my couple of readers and the amazing writers that I knew about from this blog)...

Keep me in your prayers :-) I will keep you all as well...

Salam for now :-)

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Jeremy Mclellan!

So I have recently come across this guy...




His name is Jeremy Mclellan, and he is a stand-up comedian...

Look him up, and see what he writes and says... he comes from the US and he performs all around the US and Canada (some times!)...



He stands up for Muslims, immigrants, minorities, and he was authentically been described lately as:

"So White and Full of Brain"!

Which is very true :-)

Look him up on Youtube, Facebook, Twitter and all of these social media things, and you will see what I mean!

"THANK YOU JEREMY!"

UPDATE: this is his website...

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Forgive me Allah... I am Sick of Jihad...

... not your jihad, though... but the jihad of the Muslims of today...

Hatred... hatred... hatred...

I am really sick of this!

The west is conspiring against us... Israel is killing Palestinians (and Palestinians are throwing flowers at them, though!)... America is killing Iraqis... Russia kills Syrians...

And at the end, and as an answer to all of this, Muslims kill each other, and kill innocent non-Muslims that only care about finishing their working day and going home to their families!

It is not about Islam. It never is.

It is about us, Middle Eastern people, and our feeling of being inferior. And our violent nature as well.

Why ISIS enjoys beheading people?

Because here in the places that have no war, like my country Jordan, for example, if the driver next to us tries to make a slightest maneuver that we do not like, we will just come down of the car and smash their heads with a bat or pull out a gun and shoot them...

Because we hate our governments because they do not do what we like... and we hate each other for not being the same, and because Arabs want to impose their traditions on minorities, and because minorities want the majority to act just like they do...

Because we are greedy, and we want to make as much benefit as we can...

Because we never give excuses to one another, and we never try to understand each other...

And most importantly, because we have concealed the real Islam, and offered our rotten culture to the world as a deformed form of "Islam"... and we used the title "Islam" as a broad title and a front to hide behind it and blackmail the whole world...

Because we failed to understand the fact that politics is merely a game of interests, and that the clever politicians are the ones looking for win-win solutions... so we pushed Islam in the middle, and hidden ourselves behind it... and used the world-wide agreed on international principles (that we do not believe in or respect!) of human rights to deprive the rest of the world from these rights...

For all of that, ISIS provided a great tool to fulfill our grudges...

What is better than killing those whom you do not like for a holy reason? And then go to heaven?

We screwed up... a big time...

We betrayed Allah... and the prophet -may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him-... and Islam...

We failed...

May Allah be merciful with the rest of the world that we have BIG TIME misguided...

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

The Ramadan Drama... Again!

Ramadan Mubarak my readers (oh, yeah... the three of you LOL)

So Ramadan has started again :-) And the highly spiritual atmosphere is every where... and the charm of maghreb and evening lights is every where... and the recitations of the holy Quraan are all around hugging the night sky...

What a spirit lifting atmosphere!

It is soul washing...

But is it so for every body?

Well, with Ramadan the drama begins again...

The complaints about those people who do not fast and "dare to disrespect Muslims by eating in front of them"!

I wish that all of these people complaining about this to set with some of our revert brothers/sisters and listen to the story from the "minority"'s point of view.

The discussion of the act of "eating in front of fasting Muslims in Ramadan" comes from the stand point of being a member in the majority.

A Muslim who is a minority, like a revert Muslim in the west, for example, sees it from a completely different point of view. They know that they fast for Allah, not for the society. They know that they fast as a form of warshiping Allah, and that fasting does not make them disabled people with special needs. They know that the point behind fasting -beside from the spiritual benefit of warshipping Allah- is for their own growth. For learning sabr, and controlling their desires. They know that they need to be fully functional humans during their fasting hours.

Being a Muslim needs one to be mature. Mature enough to know that warshipping Allah is a relationship between the individual and god ONLY. The rest of the community is not involved. Advice nicely, its fine. But at the end, your advise should be because you care for these Muslims around you, and you care for Allah's pleasure about us, only. Not because you feel deprived from food and pleasures, and you want to have every one around you to be "punished" the same way!

Still, Ramadan Kareem :-) 

Have a blessed and serine Ramadan all...

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Most Admired!

The below list could not but catch my attention:



The list of most admired men and women in 2016...

Looking at the men's list, you can see politicians, business men, religious leaders, innovation leaders, spiritual leaders, successful men... the list has only four "stars"...

The women's list though, contains nine "stars"!

This gives quite an insight about how the whole world sees women and how it sees men!

Monday, May 2, 2016

Oh My God!

We have advanced 16 years today through the 21st century.

But today I read a piece of news that just very recently, Saudi courts have acknowledged the right of a wife to obtain a copy of the marriage contract!!!

OH! MY! GOD!

And whenever some one from the west says that Islam (in fact, it is the ignorant Muslims, not Islam) is not just for women, our sheikhs would stand up to say that there are no women in the world as privileged as Muslim women!!!

That is definitely a privilege... not being able to obtain a copy of the document that decides your destiny may be for the rest of your life!...

Ya Rab, forgive us when we say that life in the Muslim world is hell...

Monday, April 18, 2016

A Convert's Story...

A couple of months ago, a lady has joined our team at work. In the beginning I thought she was a Christian. With the days, I discovered that, no, she was a Muslim, but the kind that does not wear hijab or commit to anything that tells an outsider that she is a Muslim. Who am I to judge her? I never spent my time thinking of her. It was only an information that has been corrected and that was it.



Then, chit chatting girls mentioned in front of me that she is engaged (as in promised to marry, only) to an American guy. A white American guy, not an immigrant. His name was something very western, like James or something. As usual, and since I am not a nosy person at all, I never gave it a second thought.

After some while, my office mate, who became a supposedly close friend of this lady, told me that her fiance, the American "James" or "Johnny" or "Jipp" or I do not know what was his name, drinks the tea according to the Arab way, smokes sheesha, plays cards -specially tarneeb, a very common cards game for Arab guys- and is fond of falafel. I laughed to that, as it was hilarious.

Later, my office mate told me that he converted to Islam in order to be able to get married to our colleague. Here the story began to become interesting.

Before the date of the marriage, my office mate -who is Christian- asked me something about the Quraan. When I answered her, she told me that our colleague, the convert's fiance, has confessed to her that her fiance is currently reading the Quraan, and that he comes to her with alot of questions that she cannot answer. She asks her mom and her mom usually cannot answer. No one of her family -who is a traditional Arab family- can answer the fiance's direct-to-the-point questions aboutthe holy Quraan.



Later, I learned that this colleague is living a double life: with her family, she is a traditional, some what conservative, Arab. With her and her fiance's friends, she is a very free person. She drinks alcohol, attends dance parties, goes to the beach... etc.

It seems that the guy is taking his conversion seriously.

My expectation is: either that when he realizes the difference between his -now- wife and what real Islam is about they will separate,

OR! He will urge his wife to re-discover her religion and they will commit to Islam more and more together, and they will end up good Muslims to the surprise of all of their "cool" friends :-D

What do you think?

Monday, April 11, 2016

Mixing Politics and Religion

Well, I should admit that I grew up a little radical.

In my young school age, I used to think that we, as Muslims, can only be loyal to our countries if they were Islamic states, that is, if they were based on Sharia law. Well, my imagination of that used to be a head of the state that is called "khaliefah / Caliphate" and whom we know as "ameerul- Mumineen / The prince of the believers". Where people speak Fus-ha Arabic, and recite Quraan in weddings, and where all men are bearded and in thobes and all women are wrapped in black from head to toe.

At that time, the Baathist party in Iraq and Syria was an enemy. And the Islamists used to feast on stories about Saddam Hussein and, then, Hafiz Alassad oppressing and persecuting Islamists.

Fast forward, today I read a news piece that mentions a statement made by "the director general of the national Islamic front, the official spokesperson of the Baath party"!!!

Nowadays, Islamists feel very ok to have the official spokesperson of the Baath party as their director general! The Baath party, whose leader once said in a documented speech: "Who said that drinking wine is halal or haraam? What is good for the Baath party is halal... what is bad for Baath party is haraam... that's it!"

See what happens to people's brains when they mix politics and religion? 


Sunday, March 27, 2016

The Quality of Information, and Emotional Blackmailing...

So some time ago, I used to have a Facebook account, and then I closed it because I could not take any more.
Recently, and once baby Leo started going to the daycare, I found myself forced to start another Facebook account in order to follow the daycare's Facebook page, the one and only place to follow up on your child at school or at daycare (oh, yes... this is the trend here!).

I only added two of my sister. And ended up having 27 friends so far! Because, well, if some one adds you on Facebook and you do not accept them, this is a reason for hearts to break and for wars to be waged, right?

And through these 27 friends, and since Facebook's stalking nature voluntarily tells you every single tiny click your friends think of making, I have been looking at what my friends are "liking" and what comments they ever post on things out there.

And what I am seeing is driving me CRAZY!



"The spots on this cow spell the name of Allah... press like and comment "subhanAllah"" (Photoshop!)

"A miracle! Allahu-Akbar! This Brazilian Bee's venom cures cancer, but the west is hiding this information because they do not want us to be cured from Cancer! Share this information so that Muslims know what is the cure!" (Because if I have cancer I will travel to Brazil and chase this bee, and once I catch a hive of them I will bring them back home, open my lab and extract the venom!)

"The guy reading Al Fatiha in this video is an American convert who used to be a rock singer, but after he converted and started reciting Quraan production companies closed their doors in his face... Press like and comment "AllahuAkbar" to show that you support him!" (And he turned to be a born Muslim Bosnean guy who was never a rock star and never approached a production company to record his recitations!)

"Do you know that Valentine's day is dedicated to celebrate saint Valentino, a saint who has committed adultery with the emperor's daughter (and in another narration all of the women in the emperor's castle!) and so the emperor has executed him? And the tradition of celebrating this adulterer has started among his lovers... Press like and share if you are against adultery!" (Do I need to say what was Saint. Valentino's story?)

This is making me sick!

I am tired of telling people that:

- Facebook and social media are not sources of information
- Before you post any information, for the love of God, do a quick search in the internet!
- When you spread lame information and make it part of people's "Iman" to celebrate them, you are stabbing Islam in the back!
- Most of the fake information that you read on Facebook and social media are either fabrications, or exaggerations driven by stupid emotions
- Usually, the drive behind these stuff is the "We are the victim Muslim nation voice". If you believe you are a victim them fight through quality knowledge, not through b******t! This only makes you a victim that deserves to remain a victim FOREVER!
- Please, please, please... If you love Allah and your deen be clever... be knowledgeable... do not use easy accessed information to learn... do not spread crappy knowledge that is worth NOTHING... If you really want to learn about a certain issue DO SOME EFFORT! I am not asking you to grab a book and read (that will break your back, I know, and you will die of exhaustion), but please, do a quick internet search, and try -TRY, FOR GOD'S SAKE!- to have a sense for authentic websites.
- If all of the above is about an information about Islam then please... please... please... the Ummah is lost already and is drowning in bad Islamic knowledge... do not spread more of this harmful knowledge... 

Please.... If you love God... Please...

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

On Fear...

I have never been a fearful person... Before!

I cannot really identify the point in which the transformation happened. I can only say that some five years ago, I was really "Mama Lion Heart" :-D Nothing scared me... neither spider, nor ghosts, nor horror movies, or haunted houses... Nothing! I used watch a horror movie and then go have a sound and peaceful sleep...

May be the death of my grandmother has triggered the change... MAY BE, I say... but I am not sure about anything... My grandma's death story was a sad one, but that is another story...





A couple of days ago I watched a video on a Youtube channel that I like. They bring really interesting subjects and collect information about them and put them in one consistent video for each subject. Some of them are mystery, some of them are strange facts, some of them are about specific unknown historical events. The video I watched -they were two, actually!- were about "Who killed the black Dhalia?" and the other was about the disappearance of the five Sodder family children. Later that night, after I put baby Leo in bed, hubby decided that he will go to bed early. I did some chores, had a hot shower, and then had a cup of tea in the living room. It was not too late but the house was very quiet. And I remembered the videos. In the normal situations, I would think of the details curiously and try to figure out the mystery. That night, I was only scared! I -literally- could not move out of fear! I was longing to be in the bedroom so that I could snuggle next to hubby and feel comforted, but my feet were so heavy, and the distance between the living room and the bed room felt SOOOOOOOOOOO LONG! And there was baby Leo in his room, I was so afraid to go to our bedroom and leave him alone in his bedroom to whatever that I was afraid of! I was thinking to myself that I was being SOOOO silly, but I just could not help it! I was afraid and angry at myself for being afraid at the same time!



The next day I kept thinking: the details are not more severe than what we used to see in the CS TV series... the scene of Short's body was nothing compared to the atrocities that we see on the news every day, what was it that made me so scared? Why? Why I was so afraid like this?

And then it hit me. It was the unsolved mystery. Both stories are real. And both stories are old. The thought that some one can kill some one and cut them into halves, and wash the body of the blood, and lay it posing there in the street and get away with it was VERY disturbing. And the case is old enough to expect that the killer died without being known. Same goes for the disappeared children. Five children have disappeared, and the mother and father died with that lump in their throats. And the case remained a mystery.

To know that such severe things in life can remain unsolved is so scary. This was my suggestion to myself.

But taking this deeper, I noticed that there is always a scary moment whenever I want to open a closed door, specially at night. Literally. When hubby is out, and I and baby Leo are in his room at night, whenever I want to open his room's door I hesitate for a second, and my heart beats violently. I always have a feeling that when I open the door something sudden and scary will happen.

It is the unknown. It is the fact that there is nothing certain. It is the fact that having everything going fine at this moment does not mean at all that things will go fine the next moment. Or after five minutes. It is the fact that if you are driving safely on your way to Aqaba, chatting and laughing with your husband and little girl, anticipating the beautiful Eidul Ad-ha that you will spend together enjoying the sun and shore, this does not mean that a big truck will not hit your car and kill the three of you!

That was my defining point!

The sudden un-anticipated death of my sister in law and her family in a very regular moment that was supposed to be just another moment on their way to the place they have always gone to in order to chill out!

I think that this face to face encounter with the coldness of death has shaken the trust rooted inside me. The trust resulting from everything always turning out to be OK at the end. That experience told me loud and clear that things some times never end up OK. 

Unpredictability.

That was my soft spot. That was the fact that has violently shaken me deeply.

Now I am a scared person. And now I am worried that when the hunting season is open, hubby will either go on hunting trips and sleep out on some nights and I will struggle with my fears, or I will have to overcome my shame and confess this to my husband!

Better than both, I really hope that I will be able to solve this through increasing my Iman! Ya Rabb!...

Sunday, March 20, 2016

InshaAllah... Again!

Remember the InshaAllah dialogue?

Let me tell you this short story:

My new manager is an Italian. She is not a Muslim. Since she arrived, she subscribed into the ADSL internet service of one of the biggest providers here in Jordan. It took them forever to install her service, and then it suddenly stopped working. It took them two weeks to decide that it was the telephony box of the building, and two other weeks to fix it. Then the service stopped again suddenly!



It appears that the cables they installed were hanging there in the vacuum outside the toilet windows, where the residents had the option of throwing their garbage of these windows into a huge dumpster in the lowest floor, in the building garage. Whenever they threw bags, they got entangled with my manger's cables, and the cables got cut under the weight. She called the service provider's technicians to fix the problem, they just taped them in a lousy way and kept them dangling there again. She told them that they should be fastened to the wall through a duct or clips, they smiled dumbly and said: "No do not worry they will not be cut again InshaAllah"...

Only the next day, one of the neighbors threw garbage. And the garbage got entangled with the cables! And they got cut again!



She called them again, and had to bribe them so that they won't keep her waiting for another two weeks. And when they came they taped them cables lousily again. She asked them, sarcastically ofcourse: "Is the problem now solved?" They said: "Yes, inshaAllah"... Here she was boiling of anger...

When she told me the story she said: "I wanted very much to tell them: For God's sake leave Allah alone for a minute and let him do the more important things that he does... the cables is your job not Allah's job!"

It was painful!

To see what negative connections have been associated with the word "InshaAllah" is just painful!

I wish I could scream it in the face of every "Sticky" Muslim when he says "InshaAllah" to cover his tardiness: "In Shaa you, not inshaAllah... Allah has left this to you and if it is not done then because you are a lazy bag!"

Monday, March 14, 2016

Toxic Relationships

Ever been in one?

Let me describe the symptoms for you:

- You feel that you have some commitment/obligation towards this person
- This person's existence in your life follows a pattern that he/she decides: either a persisting existence, an occasional existence, most probably depending on their mood
- You feel exhausted directly after a session with this person
- You work hard to stay positive, but this person drains all of your positive energy and gives you waves after waves of toxic negative energy
- If there is a certain setting/place common between you and this intoxicating person, at some point you will feel the urge to avoid this place/setting, be it home, work... etc
- You find yourself obsessing about this intoxicating person when you are alone. You prepare alot of what you want to say, but when you are face to face with them, you keep silent

Recently, I have found myself deeply entangled in such a situation. A friend of mine in work. I knew her back in 2009 when I joined my organization. However, at that time, it was never more than a casual hello and how are you.


At a certain point, I knew about her circumstances: she lost her mom to cancer when she was nine, and after that her father got married only to discover -after so many years- that the step mother was not being good with the children. He then divorced her. At a later stage he got married to another woman, the step mother that my friend is currently living with her family with. My friend is now 37 years old, and not married. She went into several marriage proposals (and even got engaged once), but always things do not work for her.

This lady is nothing like what I would like to consider a "friend". Her thoughts and way of life are way different than mine. I only find myself nodding my head to every thing she says because I know that -due to her circumstances and history- she is extra sensitive. Apparently, this lead her to think that I am "her friend", although all what I am doing is just avoid to piss her off. The rest of colleagues are just being their selves in front of her, and they consider it her problem if she gets pissed off. 

Recently, she started to open up to me. Only because I tolerated her the first time, she always came back to me asking for more. She nitpicks at every behavior from the colleagues and catches the slightest indication for being pissed off. She interprets everything as directed against her. She always finds away to understand a certain behavior as if it was determined to insult her. She complains about everything. About her father and how his feelings are because of his bad health. She is sick of him complaining about his health and how he will die soon (so she comes to complain to me!), she keeps thinking that her step mother intentionally starts fights with her (although if you listen well you will know that she reacts dramatically to very normal things that her step mother says). She has been working for eight years in the same position, and loves to blame the management for not giving her the chance to grow (although she, in fact, moved a one step back in the past, only because she refused to work with a manager that she did not like!). The reality is, she was asked several times to work in other departments to gain more experience, and she refuses because she "does not like the people there". I do a double effort to tolerate her without really absorbing the HUGE amount of negative vibes that she throws in my way!

Very recently, she once came to me really devastated. I sat with her and talked to her about certain things about her life that have to change. Mainly, her relationship with God. After that, she started praying more systematically, and eventually have committed to prayer, mashaAllah.


But the thing I was afraid of has happened: she started looking at me as the savior. She comes to see me every break time. She visits me in my office room during working hours. When we go home she keeps texting me, and because I know what she is like I always made an effort to reply to her messages on time and -regardless of how exhausted I feel- add smileys and write creative sentences just so that I do not give her the feeling that she is ignored. My son, then, got sick. And for a week I was out of office. I had to fight with baby Leo every couple of hours to take the medicine, and then absorb the meltdown after forcing him to take the it. I was exhausted all the time, so some times I only replied to her messages after I got baby Leo to sleep and collapse on the couch, and some times I totally forgot to do. And honestly I had no energy to come up with cheerful messages so I replied just answering her specific questions.

And I came back to work.

And she was stiffened with me. And I was really stressed. I felt the stress right from the moment I had to delay her first message, because I knew she will get upset. But when I saw how she treated me at work I was really angry inside. Add to that: that she is surrounding me with all sorts of things/gifts that she even makes me guilty! I once metioned that I wish I would be the sort of person who grows plants. She brought me a plant at office. And she keeps checking if I watered it or not. As if I need an additional chore at office! Not only that, she brought me a plant for home, that turned out to need to be planted outside! And when I told her that I do not have a place outside, she was upset and asked me to put it on the window edge of the kitchen! When I told her that we do not open the shades because people on the street will then be able to look into our kitchen, she insisted on going over every window of the house to check if I can put the plant there! I told her that this will be an additional chore that I am honestly UNABLE to take, she was really upset. I, eventually, accepted her gift and took it to my father in law so that he can plant it in the garden! The other day we were chatting with friends and we spoke about making cakes, I do not know how my comment about (betty croker) cakes turned out to be a request from me to her asking her to bake a cake! I was about to shout!


Oh, and in addition to all of that, she was once whining to me about her marriage projects that were never fulfilled, when I said that it is not her fault, and that it is only about Naseeb, and made the mistake of telling her -in a joking manner!- that if baby Leo was older I would have taken her as a bride for him, and since that moment, she started calling me "my mother in law" and calling baby Leo "hubby"! This is driving me insane, because now I feel that this innocent joke has tackled a soft spot in her heart, and now she is adopting this story to live the feeling of being a "daughter in law"! She never lets an occasion pass without reminding me that she is my hypothetical "daughter in law"!

What I am feeling now is that enough is enough. I am really EXHAUSTED with this burden. And I have made the decision: I have to cut out relationships that entangle me and draw me back. I am a person who needs all of my energy to keep my home healthy and happy, which is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT with the burdens of working, being a housewife, and a mother. My son needs me and he has all the right to have me with him, while I am in a good condition. That enables me to be a giving loving mother.

The question is: if damage has happened, will it be my guilt? Will it be my burden? Shall I live with the feeling of being guilty for the rest of my life?

And how to avoid this?

Monday, March 7, 2016

I Have Been Tagged!

So the sweet Zara has tagged me in the Liebster award! :-)





It has been a L.O.O.O.N.G time since I did this sort of games on the bloggosphere :-) I remember doing it back when I used to blog in the 2006/2007 period (Oh! My! God! That was 9-10 years ago!) and I used to enjoy it.

And now I am back to the fun and learning! :-)

The rules are simple:


  1. Recognise 5 other bloggers 
  2. Answer 11 questions that Zara has asked me
  3. Tell readers 11 facts about me
  4. Ask 11 more questions to the bloggers I have nominated
  5. Link this post back to Zara
Hmmm... I am not sure about who among bloggers will really bother to read... I am new here and I have a some what "little" pick up... but I will give it a try!

I nominate:


Daisee Deb from Simple Virtues 

Jamila from Teaching Simplified (and other interesting blogs as well :-) )  


Debbie Qalballah from the Qalballah Place


What are the 11 things that you want to know about me?

Ok, let's see!

1. I am advancing through to my 33rd birthday. And I am happy about my age :-D
2. I got married at a relatively advanced age, I was 28 years and a half. And the process of choosing my hubby looked as the invention of the nano-technology to my family. They reached a state where they thought that I didn't want to get married.
3. I am a feminist. But not an extreme one :-)
4. I love cooking and making desserts. Baking is a passion for me!
5. At school, I was a nerd. A rebellion nerd, in fact.
6. At school, I was a famous actor :-) I always had something to present on the school stage during open days.
7. I am known to trip alot. During university years, I tripped and fell head over heels three times.
8. I cannot resist chocolaty things. Not chocolate itself, but: chocolate cakes, chocolate biscuits... etc
9. I am a romantic person. I cry VERY easily. A touching scene will twitch my lips and get my tears down.
10. I made several attempts to sew classic historical style dresses to wear for certain occasions, but my mom and sisters threatened me that if I show up at an occasion dressed like that they will pretend that they do not know me :-D
11. I have some weird obsessions. One of them is an obsession with old style names. I -for example- like the name "Dawlat Khan" for females, and "Jaafar" for males. Each time I am about to name a child my family get worried.

And now, to the questions that Zara has asked me :-)


  1. What makes you happy? Alot of things! The most? Well, whispering a prayer and feeling that Allah is listening to me, and seeing one of my family happy because of something I did.
  2. What is your favourite time of year? I have something to love about each time of the year. But my slightly more favorite time could be summer nights when children have no schools and relatives who are outside are coming back and staying at their families' houses.
  3. What career did you want as a child? Oh! A doctor of course! LOL... And then an astronaut!
  4. When do you go to bed? Some time between 10:00 PM and 11:30 PM
  5. Syrian refugees, what do you think should happen? Uh.... I really do not know! Every one holding a gun in Syria should be killed (by a nuclear bomb) and the refugees should be returned back to Syria. If any of the refugees' brain was scanned and intentions of holding weapons or anything explosive were found, he should be killed as well. Only peaceful people should go back to Syria. And it should be ruled by a good well committee. May be the care bears should ruin Syria. Some times I feel it is hopeless!
  6. Favourite hot drink? Creamy coffee!
  7. A perfect world would include what? Lots of books, and lots of time to read them. And lots of baked goodies. And some thing like a deodorant that you spray on your head to remove stinky thoughts.
  8. Your best hair product? ummm... home prepared olive oil with honey? :-D
  9. A resturaunt you love? Chillie Ways Jordan is my all time favourite! Marj Alhamam branch specifically has witnessed very important phases of my life. And very beautiful memories as well :-)
  10. Go to perfume. For practical use, I love the Rasasi brand perfumes. They are very affordable, and they have very special fragrances that last really long. But for specialties? Tendre Poison is my all time favorite!
  11. Name one thing you love about yourself? ummmmmmmmmm.... may be that I am a patient person?
 And now we go to the difficult part.... what do I want to ask my tagged bloggers?

1. Are you a breakfast person or a no-breakfast person?
2. My favorite moment of the day is............... 
3. Your favorite girl name and boy name?
4. Please name a book that you will never forget.
5. What do you look at when you want to pick a book to buy?
6. Who is the TV or cinema character that you once wanted to be like (anime are allowed :-))?
7. Have you ever had a tree house as a child?
8. What comic magazines did you read as a child?
9. Can you share a fond school memory with us? 
10. I like to match purse, watch and shoes. Is there anything about the way you dress that you want matched?
11. What crafts do you love to spend your time on once you have some?

Thank you for taking the time to read :-) 

Now let me go and tell Zara that I have done my home work :-) 

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Americans!

In my current work, I have dealt with different types of people... from all backgrounds, be it religious, cultural, geographical... etc...

But there is some thing that I find myself forced to admit: American people have a beautiful characteristic in them: they are easy to approach...





It could be that the ones I am dealing with are a special case because their manners have been "refined" through working in the international context, but still, among all of the nationalities I have dealt with, I found them the easiest to approach and to deal with.

The other day we had a high profile delegation from Homeland Security and the Digital Services. We expected to see men in suits and fine sunglasses barely smiling, but the people who we really met were a thin quiet smiling lady wearing a very simple pair of leggings with a poncho, with her hair simply tied in a ponytail, and two guys who seem to be fresh graduates, a man who -apparently- is a loving father of beautiful little girl, and another man who looks similar to him, and a tanned man who looks very quite and warm hearted. They all dressed in casual pants and shirts, they all were very humble and easy going, I was supposed to give a presentation on our live data system, but when the system did not work on the meeting room's laptop they simply suggested moving to the actual office of one of the employees that does the work :-)

They went to our not-fancy-at-all cubicles room, and gathered around my friend's cubicle, and watched her working. They were so easy to deal with to the extent that my friend -without further notice or preparation- just did what she does every day in front of them, and they thanked her with a smile, and then went to another department to continue their tour.

The exciting thing is that one of these guys, a guy that looks like a fresh graduate cool nerd, is the one who designed the communications system of the white house!

Here in Jordan, if some one works as a driver of some one who works in the royal court, he will make sure to talk to you as if you are "nothing" and make you know that he "has connections in the royal court"!

I am not saying that the white house is a holy place, or that the Americans have not done any wrongdoings in their history (Hello! To whom does America belong? Count day 1 of history!)... I am just saying that may be this by-product of being a citizen of the world's number one great power, is worth mentioning!

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

LGBTI... Walking Between Extremes...

Ten years ago, this was a red line. I used to be a blogger by that time. I used to read blogs of different people coming from all backgrounds, though mainly within the "Arab" scope. And several times I came across blogs owned by LGBTI people, blogging under fake names, blogging cautiously, trying their best to conceal their identities. The thing is, I never dared tell any one that I came across a blog owned by, say, a gay man.

My first real encounter with an LGBTI in real life dates a couple of years before that, before I became a blogger. I was still a student, and I was in the extremely crowded bookshop trying to "hunt" a textbook. And in my way out, and as I was pushing and struggling to find my way out, I suddenly found myself facing this: the bare chest of an EXTREMELY white.... human body. I almost crashed into him -he turned out to be a guy- and froze in my place in the last minute and managed to avoid the crash, but when I looked into him, I was speechless! He was wearing tight black jeans, a silk shirt that had several front buttons open, revealing an extremely white hairless chest of a man. His hair was long and blown dry, his face was shaved, he was very white, and his eye brows were skillfully formed in perfect lines. My stomach twitches as I remember the scene!





And then I worked for my current organization. Here we work in refugee resettlement. And since the first day I learned that the definition of a refugee is: someone who "owing to a well-founded fear of being persecuted for reasons of race, religion, nationality, membership of a particular social group or political opinion, is outside the country of his nationality, and is unable to, or owing to such fear, is unwilling to avail himself of the protection of that country." Never was the word "gay" or "homosexual" or "lesbian" mentioned in the definition! So whenever anyone came to me to tell me that "the international organizations you work for are working on destroying the virtue of our communities and encourage homosexuality, and this is through protecting people who are homosexual and send them to the West" I was proud to answer: "the refugee definition made up by these "international organizations" does not list these people as refugees". 

But then, suddenly, our management asked us to start noticing if any one of the refugees mentioned any concerns related to them being persecuted for being anything related to the LGBTI groups, and that was when I was introduced to this term. At that time, in 2010, we were only asked to "monitor" and "report" the possibility of receiving such cases.

Fast forward to January 2016: my boss is a gay, and I am attending a training on the understanding of LGBTI people and how to treat them in cases of forced resettlement and what language to use when talking to them!

First of all, my boss, who is a gay, is a very nice person. Never was any of the people working withing my team exposed to any awkward situations with him because of that. If the gossip lovers did not spread this information one would never know he is. He is very professional and fair, and he is nice and friendly with every one. He does not exceed his limits though.

And the debate goes on and on in Jordan regarding this issue. People whine all the time on every possible media platform that the west is trying to destroy our community by pushing us to integrate LGBTI people and accept them in Jordan. They like to threaten the people that Allah's wrath is in the way because of their lack of action towards this evil that is attempting to invade us. They try to shut up every one who tries to say anything other than: "death to gay people, death to lesbians, death to gender-changers, and death to their supporters"!

And amongst all of this, I find myself hesitant to accept this rationale: that LGBTI people should just be killed.

Why you ask? Let me tell you...

First of all, the Holy Quraan never mentioned a specific punishment for homosexual behavior.

Read the holy Quraan cover to cover, no where will you find a mentioning to the homosexual behavior.

Search among the authentic hadeeth, you will never find a single authentic hadeeth that mentions the punishment of homosexual behavior.

Yet, Allah subhanahu wa taala mentions in the Holy Quraan the story of the people of the prophet Lut, who are the old residents of Sodom and Gomorrah. According to the holy scriptures, these are the people who invented the act of anal sex between men. Allah subhaanahu wa taala has sent an angel, who has overthrown the city with all of its residents, except for the prophet Lut -peace be upon him- and few believers.

Well, this was the divine punishment for those who have INVENTED the sin. A DIVINE punishment. That is not a verdict. We cannot overthrow any one, can we?

The "verdict" to kill the committers of homosexual acts came through either a hadeeth that is not authentic enough to shed the blood of a human, let alone a Muslim, or through a historical narration.

Now consider the following:

Adultery, or "Zina", is a great sin in Islam. The punishment is either whipping, or in case the sinner was married it is stoning to death. However, the verification of the act in the case of a married sinner should go through VERY difficult procedures, and if the reporter's claim failed to meet a VERY high standard to condemn the sinner, the reporter should be whipped. The verdicts of adultery in Islam have been largely misinterpreted and misused, and the fair discussion of them needs books, not blog posts. But in any case, the harsh verdict can be understood if we take into consideration the destructive effect that results of producing bastard babies. Adultery is a reproductive process, and if a baby was brought to life because of it, regardless of how tenderly the society dealt with this baby, the chances are very small that he/she will grow up a well balanced individual. This is, of course, if we considered the chance of this individual being up-brought in a positive environment. Which is usually not the case.

However, homosexual behavior is not a reproductive one. So the damage done is only affecting the sinners. It is not a harm done to society in the form of producing imbalanced people that usually end up homeless or struggling with psychological burdens, but in the sense of: exposing the human race to extinction.

If Allah wanted us to kill gay people he would make it clear that he wants us to do. He wouldn't leave it to our interpretations if it was really a critically dangerous sin. What would be the punishment? It could be decided depending on how common has this behavior become. If it was not very common the punishment could be verbal. It can gradually increase based on how much this sin spreads. Actually, reading about the opinions of scholars about this makes one believe that a punishment that depends on how much the sin spreads makes alot of sense.

So it is a sin. I, for example, say so because in Islam it is a sin. But if I am not a Muslim, why would I think it is? Why would the whole world do before the rights' groups started to push for homosexual behavior to be considered as normal?

You say it is against nature, some people will look for a study proving that dogs and camels are know to have homosexual practice, so, no, the heterosexual behavior is not the only natural behavior. You say that homosexual behavior can lead to specific health problems, they will get case studies to you for people with these same health problems who have never practiced homosexuality and tell you there is no proof that homosexuality is the reason.

Then some one tell me: if the right to be homosexual would be considered a human right, then it would be guaranteed to all humans by the virtue of being human. If all humanity practiced homosexual behavior, human race will go extinct. And as long as this is a "human right", then you cannot grant it to some and not grant it to others! The UNESCO looks at any act exposing any culture to extinction as a crime. What about an act that -in principle- can lead to the extinction of the whole human race?

Weeks ago we had to attend an LGBTI awareness training. It was a general one, starting by addressing gender issues, and then moving to discuss gays, lesbians and bisexuals. This was the other extreme. The general orientation of the training was uncomfortable to me and many of my colleagues. They tried to force the existence in a liquid gender status to be considered normal. A thing I can never digest! Our identity is a huge part of who we are. The clearer we are about our identity the more balanced we are, and the more we are able to give. The clashes within the layers of one's identity can lead to serious imbalances, that might result in one trying to take radical measures in order to balance the scales: think joining ISIS! I thing gender is very intimate to one, and is more essential in one's identification of self, to the extent that if it went gray, it can lead to serious issues!

Also, sarcastic enough, we were taught that "homosexual" is not a term that LGBTI people like to use, because it sounds like a clinical term, which may indicate that these are sick people, or, as used to be described previously in the publications of the American Psychiatric Association: A disorder. Starting 2013, the pressure applied to the association was successful in removing that disorder form the handbook! So it is not any more considered a disorder, and "forcing" some one to receive treatment can be a human rights violation! Seriously? If -God forbids- I see that my son has, at puberty, started to show signs of female body, which will -definitely- cause him alot of discomfort (think of the discomfort resulting from the turning into the adult body of the same gender) shall I deprive him from the right to get treated? And leave him suffering and struggling with his identity until he is "old enough to decide what he wants to be"? Shall the psychological scars resulting from this ever be cured? While the issue can be easily and quickly be resolved and leave the boy to concentrate on what really matters?

Not only that. You cannot use any terminology or language that infers (choice), because LGBTI people want us to believe that their status is not a matter of "choice". They do not chose to be LGBTI, so you cannot simply convince them that this is not a good choice. It is their nature that they were born with (when did Bruce Jenner turn to Kaitlyn? How many children he had before he discovered that he is a woman?).

Duh!... For God's sake?

What I really dream of, is to get the cultural and ideological and propagandal (is that even a word?) bias out of this issue, so that people can address it ONLY from the medical/psychological point of view. I mean if people with gender related struggles could just look into themselves and ask for whatever help they need in order to overcome any struggles and got it solved once and for all. Without being judged by the community. Or pushed by the propaganda leaders to accept themselves the way they are although "the way they are" is just causing them to live in continuous agony.

If, after every one was able to address his/her own gender concerns in a neutral environment, and still some people remain with gay-lisbean orientation, we can discuss the argument that these are just different "natures", not disorders, nor choices.

Until then, we will still be forced to touch our way in the darkness of extremes!

Sunday, February 7, 2016

I'm Cooking Something!

Ooooh, yeah...

I am cooking this for my mother :-)





A lacy spring crochet shawl that I will present to her on mothers' day :-)

And not just this... there is another tough post that is being cooked slowly on low fire :-)

Stay tuned...

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

InshaAllah...

Once a little kid was asking his parent for some thing, and they were in a long debate on whether his father will accept to do it for the child or not. After along quarrel, and back and forth argument, the father seemed to be alittle more lenient. The child finally asked while excited: "Really? Are you going to do it?"

The father answered: "InshaAllah, son... InshaAllah"...



The little school child looked disappointed and went to his room with teary eyes. The father was surprised! He went after his son ans asked: "What's up son? Why did you become sad after I said yes?"

"You did not say yes" the little boy answered "You said inshaAllah, and this means that you do not want to do it!"

That was a story that some one told me. Actually not only one. Several times I saw children looking disappointed when their parents say "InshaAllah" and murmuring while they go away "means no".

You know what the problem is? This is exact opposite of the original use of the term "InshaAllah"!

InshaAllah means: if Allah is welling (to let some thing happen).

Allah subhanahu wa taala says in the holy Quraan, in Surah Al Kahf:

23. “And do not say, regarding anything, ‘I will do that tomorrow,’”
24. “Save (say): ‘If Allah pleases’, and remember your Lord when you forget, and say: ‘It may be that my Lord will guide me to a nearer way to the right than this’.”

 So we -actually- are supposed to say inshaAllah specially when we say that we are determined to do something. It is a reminder to us that our own well is not final, and it is conditioned with the well of Allah, since Allah subhanahu wa taala is the all knowing, the all welling.



In the Arab world, people are used to say "inshaAllah" in order to give themselves the space not to do something. It is used as an indirect way of saying: "I am not welling to do". People tell you "InshaAllah" to stop you from arguing more. The next day when you ask them, they get back to you: "I never said yes" or "I could not" or "The circumstances did not allow".

You know what the funny thing is?

I have noticed that alot of the expats that I worked with have got used to it. They use it in the correct sense of the word! They use it either when they are so determined to do something, or when they are saying that they hope for some thing out of their control to be in a certain way!

It is so sad! That we have abused the use of a great word that should actually re-affirm our submission to Allah over and over!

I have promised myself: whenever I tell my son "inshaAllah" for some thing, I will fight for it to happen, unless it is very clear that Allah subhanahu wa taala did not want it to happen. I want my son to know that "inshaAllah" means only "inshaAllah". Not "ummm... actually no but I do not want to pronounce the "no" in front of you soooooo... inshaAllah!"


Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Block!

There is alot in my head. 

I feel there is a buzzing sound inside my head all the time... Bvvvvv... Zzzzzzz... Wennnnnnnn... Ummmmmmm...



These are all thoughts. Or hints of thoughts. Scattered thoughts that come and go across my mind, but I never get to think of them as "whole"s. A glimpse of a thought comes in my head, I put it on hold until I can get myself together and think of it properly. And then another thought buzzes by. So I put it on hold, in the queue behind that previous thought. And then another glimpse of the first thought passes by, so I make my way through thoughts to the first one and put its related thought with it.

But I never get to sort them out or REALLY think of them. I usually have my quite reading time at night, during the time I give my son his sleeping time breastfeed (I knooow... that is not the wisest thing to do -to breastfeed him to get him to sleep- and, YES, I know I am stuck now and my son will resist it when I want to night-wean him, but, well, that's what happened!). So I open my smart phone browser, and I start to flip through whatever I have put aside in order to read later, only to come to the un-escapable conclusion: no time enough to read tonight... and looking more will lead me to only more flipping through pages, so I just defer it again! And the next day more pages to read accomulate... and that's how my time is flying by these days!

BUT!

I am trying as much as I can to enjoy my time with my family, I am trying not to spare any moment in which we can be happy together. I am trying my best to fill my family's memory with unforgettable moments.

That's why I am not really writing consistent posts. I feel that there is alot to write about. But I always end up writing a quick post either about a recipe, or a knitting/crochet project, or a quick breakthrough regarding my son!

Because the largest space and resources of my brain are being reserved for my family.

But no one can blame me. Can they? :-)

And sure, soon enough inshaAllah my son will gradually become more independent, and I will have more space on hand to write.

So I will do my best to keep this blog alive!