On Fear...

I have never been a fearful person... Before!

I cannot really identify the point in which the transformation happened. I can only say that some five years ago, I was really "Mama Lion Heart" :-D Nothing scared me... neither spider, nor ghosts, nor horror movies, or haunted houses... Nothing! I used watch a horror movie and then go have a sound and peaceful sleep...

May be the death of my grandmother has triggered the change... MAY BE, I say... but I am not sure about anything... My grandma's death story was a sad one, but that is another story...

A couple of days ago I watched a video on a Youtube channel that I like. They bring really interesting subjects and collect information about them and put them in one consistent video for each subject. Some of them are mystery, some of them are strange facts, some of them are about specific unknown historical events. The video I watched -they were two, actually!- were about "Who killed the black Dhalia?" and the other was about the disappearance of the five Sodder family children. Later that night, after I put baby Leo in bed, hubby decided that he will go to bed early. I did some chores, had a hot shower, and then had a cup of tea in the living room. It was not too late but the house was very quiet. And I remembered the videos. In the normal situations, I would think of the details curiously and try to figure out the mystery. That night, I was only scared! I -literally- could not move out of fear! I was longing to be in the bedroom so that I could snuggle next to hubby and feel comforted, but my feet were so heavy, and the distance between the living room and the bed room felt SOOOOOOOOOOO LONG! And there was baby Leo in his room, I was so afraid to go to our bedroom and leave him alone in his bedroom to whatever that I was afraid of! I was thinking to myself that I was being SOOOO silly, but I just could not help it! I was afraid and angry at myself for being afraid at the same time!

The next day I kept thinking: the details are not more severe than what we used to see in the CS TV series... the scene of Short's body was nothing compared to the atrocities that we see on the news every day, what was it that made me so scared? Why? Why I was so afraid like this?

And then it hit me. It was the unsolved mystery. Both stories are real. And both stories are old. The thought that some one can kill some one and cut them into halves, and wash the body of the blood, and lay it posing there in the street and get away with it was VERY disturbing. And the case is old enough to expect that the killer died without being known. Same goes for the disappeared children. Five children have disappeared, and the mother and father died with that lump in their throats. And the case remained a mystery.

To know that such severe things in life can remain unsolved is so scary. This was my suggestion to myself.

But taking this deeper, I noticed that there is always a scary moment whenever I want to open a closed door, specially at night. Literally. When hubby is out, and I and baby Leo are in his room at night, whenever I want to open his room's door I hesitate for a second, and my heart beats violently. I always have a feeling that when I open the door something sudden and scary will happen.

It is the unknown. It is the fact that there is nothing certain. It is the fact that having everything going fine at this moment does not mean at all that things will go fine the next moment. Or after five minutes. It is the fact that if you are driving safely on your way to Aqaba, chatting and laughing with your husband and little girl, anticipating the beautiful Eidul Ad-ha that you will spend together enjoying the sun and shore, this does not mean that a big truck will not hit your car and kill the three of you!

That was my defining point!

The sudden un-anticipated death of my sister in law and her family in a very regular moment that was supposed to be just another moment on their way to the place they have always gone to in order to chill out!

I think that this face to face encounter with the coldness of death has shaken the trust rooted inside me. The trust resulting from everything always turning out to be OK at the end. That experience told me loud and clear that things some times never end up OK. 

Unpredictability.

That was my soft spot. That was the fact that has violently shaken me deeply.

Now I am a scared person. And now I am worried that when the hunting season is open, hubby will either go on hunting trips and sleep out on some nights and I will struggle with my fears, or I will have to overcome my shame and confess this to my husband!

Better than both, I really hope that I will be able to solve this through increasing my Iman! Ya Rabb!...