Married? Engaged? What is My Status?

"Oh, guess who got engaged!"

"Who?"

"My friend Zahraa! Remember her?"

For two ladies from Jordan, the above is understood within a certain context. But if the reader is from Egypt, for example, he or she might have a different understanding.

There is a certain understanding for the process of marriage in the light of the Sharia. This understanding has been carried and colored with traditional colors throughout the Muslim nations, which resulted in some difference when you consider different Muslim nations.

In Sahria: Engagement, or "Khitbah", is a promise of marriage. This happens after the proposer expresses his desire of getting married to a certain lady, and then -after her permission and on behalf of her- her "wali" answers the propose of her approval and promises him to get united with her through marriage, that is, of course, if they got to know each other and got along.

At this stage, and after the "khitbah" is initiated, the proposer can meet with the potential bride and sit with her and get to know her, but she is not yet committed to him through a contract. She cannot be with him alone in complete isolation (khulwah), but, of course, it is ok to sit with him in some privacy, but to an extent that does not allow any thing to go wrong. If they want to go out in the world, some one should accompany them. And -according to alot of scholars- she cannot take off her hijab in front of him, though she can wear a less strict hijab (but still cover all of her body except for the face and hands).

When the bride and groom are ready to be officially committed to one another comes the marriage contract. Here, the two would pronounce the specific wording on the contract in front of a group of people, not less than two witnesses. And they sign the contract. In sharia, at this stage they are officially married. He is hers and she is his. She can go out with him alone, she can be alone with him in isolation, she can take off her hijab in front of him (he is allowed to look at her body and she is allowed to look at his), and they are ready to commence the marriage through the first marital intercourse. There are minor differences between the status of the marriage before and after the first marital intercourse, like for example the "iddah" is not required if a divorce occurred before it, but is required if a divorce occurs after the first marital intercourse. There are several other differences but I think they are sort of minor.

In different societies the word "engagement" or "khitbah" has different meanings. 

Here, in Jordan, for example, what sharia considers as "khitbah" exists as only a couple of brief visits, after which the bride is required to decide if she wants to go on or not. If she says yes, a ceremony of initiating the marriage contract is held, and usually this is what is called "khitbah" in Jordan. The bride and groom would be kept in a liquid status that is between married people and engaged people until the wedding is held. This period of time may extend to a year or couple of years, in which the bride and groom are allowed to do whatever they want except an intercourse (the thing that causes alot of serious problems between the bride and groom on one side, and the bride and her family on another side). After the wedding is held, and the bride and groom go to their house after the wedding party, they have their first marital intercourse.

For us as Circassians, things are alittle bit similar. However, we do have the practice that exists in Sharia under "khitbah", but we call it a Circassian name "psathekhu" which means searching for the soul. In the modern youth's dictionary, this is called having a boyfriend / girlfriend! :-| That's why to alot of people who do not know what we mean by this, think that when our youth have boyfriends/girlfriends they are missing around with the opposite sex and that we -as Circassians- are not conservative people. Although the fact is a boyfriend in our conception is no more that a "Fiance" or "Khateeb" in the Islamic perspective! :-)

So, my dear friend Kanumommy, back to my friend's story...

Her "Fiance" was in fact her husband though a marriage contract, with whom she did not commence her marriage through a marital intercourse. And in order to end that contract they had to go through a divorce or a khula :-)

A Typical Bride Hunt in the ME...

Four months ago, she told me that she got engaged. I asked her how things are going, she said fine. I asked her: are you happy? she -without any enthusiasm- answered: "yes". Do you like him? I asked. With a very quite smile she answered "He is tolerable". At that time, they still had no official marriage contract, only "alfatiha".

A couple of weeks later I met her while I was waiting for my husband to pick me up from work. We had a quick chat until my hubby arrived. I asked her how things are going with her fiance, she said fine. But I saw in her eyes that she was worried. I asked her if there is anything that is really pressing on her mind, she said that it was the normal anxiety of an engaged lady. I told her that she was supposed to be happy, or at least have mixed feelings, but not be fully worried. She admitted that she was concerned because her fiance is some what showing a change from his attitudes at the time of getting to know one another. I told her that we can sit together and have a thorough talk if she wants. She said that she would be grateful if we talked. I said to her: "Inform me whenever you are free". And she left.

I saw her today. I asked her: "How are things going on? When are you planning to have the wedding?"

Her answer was shocking, but at the same time familiar as I am hearing of similar cases alot these days: "We separated. I initiated a Khula'".

In the details, she explained that he and his family are known to be a very good family with a very good reputation and of reasonable financial resources. Before the official contract was signed, she felt that he was doing all what he could to understand her and find a middle ground between him and her, and he made her feel that he wants to overcome any issues between them through mutual understanding. After the contract, he started asking her more about her work, her salary and if she is working under a long term contract or a temporary one, and eventually he informed her that she will have to pay half of her salary for house expenses! For four months, he did not seem to have any future plans. He did not suggest any residence plans, neither did he suggest to rent a house or buy one. No furnishing. No plans for the wedding. Turned out that he was hoping that she will initiate the plan and may be funding it. At the beginning, he started to tell her that he is a man of limited resources, and that he will need her to cooperate with him. But eventually, it turned out that he wanted her and her family to carry the whole burden. When she started nicely objecting on some of his plans that required her to fund stuff (oh, and buy him presents and invite him to restaurants although he never did!) he started becoming rude, and things ended up with him shouting at her, swearing at her, and even threatening her to physically abuse her. When her family tried to be firm with him, he told them that when she becomes in his house, he will show them how he will lock her in the house and never allow her to get out except with a slapped face or a broken leg! Oh, yes... he shouted at her parents and insulted them as well!

And he did not divorce her. No. He hinted that she had to initiate the Khula' so that he does not have to pay anything. She did. She divorced him through Khula' after her uncles threatened him that they know his managers at work (because, oh, the powerful man used to threaten her since he works in intelligence!) and they can get him fired with dishonor! At the sharia court, he took his gold and flew.

I told her that she should made it clear to every one that he was divorced through Khula, and that he did not divorce her.

This is a typical bride hunting story from the middle east!

The Eutopia...

We live in a Muslim country...

Drinking alcohol is prohibited in Islam. And as Muslims, we do not drink Alcohol. A drinker is socially marked as a drunkard. We like to praise our society as one clean of alcohol. We like to attribute the catastrophes that we see in the 'infidel' Western world to their drinking habits.

But!...

The below is a very familiar scene in any empty land. Empty liquor bottles are a very common scene whenever you look at a piece of land that has not been in use for some time...

 

The Chronicles of Death... Respect of the Dead!

At time of the accident, every one was in shock...

Every one was trying to understand what happened, and to get to believe that a whole family has disappeared from this world in a glimpse of an eye..

After the burial, and after the tribal procedures followed to acknowledge what happened between the tribes of the victims and the one who caused the accident... and after the souls came to a relative rest...

We discovered that at the accident location: the two mobile phones of my sister in law and her husband, her husband's wallet, the credit cards, and the husband's work laptop disappeared!

We searched the luggage, and we entered the empty house to look for them, without success. We received text messages that their cell phones -which we tried to call at the day of the accident and found them turned off- are now turned on and available!

Did you get what does this mean?

Oh, yes...

the dead people were robbed!