So first thing to say is that taking care of a baby is definitely different from taking care of a toddler...
A baby is completely dependent on you... a baby reacts, and rarely initiates action (do I hear mischief?)...
And since my Leo got into toddlerhood, things are not being easy...
One: since even before he was born, I decided that I will be a perfectly quiet mom. No shouting. No screaming. I keep looking at the cover of my "Scream-Free Parenting" book and smiling to myself saying "Yes, I can do it... I can parent with love only"... let me tell you what, I am parenting with love, but with loud love. Oh, yeah.... a couple of times I shouted so far...may alittle more than a couple of times... but not so many more... ok may be I lost it for five or six times so far! But each time I apologize for my boy, and explain that this is not the correct way of talking to each other, and tell him that "Mommy was not a good girl when she shouted" and that I am sorry, and that I want us to be friends again... It is exhausting and stressful... controlling my nerves and keeping my calm is easier (ok, mama... remind of this next time when I am about to lose my nerves!!)
Two: I have always thought that I will raise my son to be a peaceful boy. No violent play. No hitting. No fighting. No superheroes (as long as this is something that I can control). No guns. No shooting make-believe. So far I am being in control of all of these, and alhamdulellah he is not interested in any kind of violent play. His ultimate favorites are vehicles and animals, and some ball kicking. BUT!!!! He hits other kids! They keep telling me this in the day care... he is not patient enough to "talk". He asks for something once, if he sees no reaction he hits. He asks a little girl who is on the swing to let him set and play with the swing, if she does not move at once, he hits her to make her understand that he means it! Well, hitting is -at least- a better option that his previous horrible way of communication: biting! Yes, he used to bite his friends... as a way of playing, as a way of showing interest, and as a way of showing anger... and let me tell you: this last type of biting some times left serious marks! once or twice he was bit back, but he was the main biter in the daycare. Back to hitting, I used to be extremely disappointed. But the other day his teacher in day care told me something that changed my perspective: there are two little girls, Beesa and Deesana, that he keeps telling me that they are naughty. He NEVER gives me any good feedback about them. He keeps ignoring them when we look at photos of daycare kids, and when I insist on asking him who these girls are, he answers "No Beesa" or "No Deesana". This lead me to think that they are really naughty girls. Or may be that they keep hitting him, or harassing or teasing him which leads him to hit them. But when I asked his teacher about the nature of his relationship with these two girls, she said that these are the most quiet girls in the day care, and that they both are the only little ones that keep quiet when he hits them. Ok, I am not sure what to feel! On one hand, this might make me feel comfortable, because this might mean that he is hitting as a way of asking for interaction, a way of communication... and he keeps saying that they are naughty because they do not interact with him like other kids... so it could be just a childly-twisted way of asking them to participate in the play...
On the other hand, though, it could be a form of the general community's tendency to elect the best, and neglect the week. Which is very annoying and stressful to me, because I look at this as a sick formalization of capitalism, and an early sign of a competitive character... (may be too much phelosophysed but yes, this is inevitable with my mind!)
Three: I am so far not being able to convince hubby to follow a certain consistent way of disciplining our little one. Not just that I have to keep my nerves calm, it is also that I have to put ALOT of effort in keeping hubby calm as well. Send him coded signals to remind him to calm down when he starts getting angry if little Leo did not behave by the book (which is not exactly what is expected from a terrible two-er!) like a wink, an eyes' flash... etc... and the problem is that I, myself, is not being able to give the ideal example that I want him to follow, which makes it even more difficult to convince him with some specifics...
These are three major sources of disappointment of a contemporary age working mother of a two-year old boy!
I am open for your input... :-)
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ReplyDeleteWhy the disappointed mom?
ReplyDeleteYou are going through what many Mums all over the world go through at some point. At the end of the day these little pups can't run circles around us and let's face it they do ...because we love them.
I'm sure you are doing great. When my hubbys at home he's like why doesn't he sit down he doesn't listen to you. Just get him to sit in his place nicely he can't be running around like this.
I say he needs to burn off energy and he's exploring. Hubby doesn't have to do much disciplining as he listens.
When his Nan - my mum is around he will also listen to her. She just to wag her finger and he'll stop. Run and give her a hug. But he went through a stage of constantly hitting his brother and trying to bite him-he was young and didn't no much I don't want to keep baby bro completely out the way because I don't want him to resent him though he can't wallop him at every opportunity either.
There are certain practices I use like I don't use the word- NO. Because I didn't want him telling me NO!!
I also try not to say "stop being naughty"
I'll say ..."good boys do this" or something of the sort.
To be honest it's HARD really hard but not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I'm a stay at home mum and I have the guilt of thinking I had them two close in age. Whatever we do we tend to feel guilty. Sooooo please don't feel disappointed.
Im pretty sure you are an AMAZING mother. And soon you'll have it SO together you'll be laughing at this phase.
Honestly you will!!!
Xxxxx
Thank you thank you sweet Zara <3
DeleteWell, I see your point. Points, actually. You made several valuable points here. There are general broad lines that we try to stick to at home, like understanding that he is just a kid and that he needs to release his energy, using positive language and avoiding the "NO"... but in general it is not always easy to stick to the rules that we put for ourselves, specially with the extremely fast rhythm of our modern lives!
I mean, sticking to the rules always takes time... and most probably the most challenging situations happen exactly when you are in a hurry.
And yes, I hear you! You say it over and over and over, but they do not listen. Let grandma or grandpa say it JUST ONCE and it is done LOL
The feeling of guilt... I guess it is the bonus gift that comes with motherhood... no matter what you do and how you do it you will feel guilty because you will think that if you did it another way things would have turned out to be better! Eh...
May Allah help us and guide us to raise them in the best way, ameen...
It is always pleasant to have you around, sweet sister <3
Welcome to the Terrible Twos. Yes we all go through it. When they were babies they were so angelic but when they hit two, it's a time for testing their limits.
ReplyDeleteSo it's a time for you to set limits. Sit down with your husband and decide about 3 things that are important to you. I can see that it's "No hitting" and "no biting" but instead of saying that, phrase it the way that you want your child to behave. For example,
Rule 1: Be kind.
Rule 2: Talk when you want something.
Rule 3: Wait quietly for your turn.
How to enforce them? Because your child is young, just repeat these phrases to him daily and find opportunities to teach him what you mean by being kind (talk nicely, play gently etc), by waiting quietly (maybe teach him to hold his hands in his lap or in front of him and wait and if too long then go find domething else). Find ways to teach him how to be kind and patient and when he does these things immediately give him positive feedback "MashaAllah, you were so kind to ask her nicely and waited. You're so caring!" "Alhamdulillah, you've waited very quietly for your turn. You're such a patient boy!" and give him lots of hugs and kisses.
Parenting is a hard job. That's why the rewards are great. May Allah make it easy on you and all parents.
MashaAllah!
DeleteAs usual, the insightful expert advice...
I have done exactly what you advised me to do... but we are still in the beginning...
As you said, I keep repeating the rules over and over in front of my son. And I keep telling him what needs to be done, nicely though.
And yesterday my hubby and I had a serious conversation about how we should be role models for him.
Oh, yes... parenting is a hard job. I agree. May Allah help us all...
Ameen
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