So here in the Middle East there
is this thing that we LOVE to do: we are fond of ignoring the
introductions and then feeling surprised with the results. We like to
keep adding 1+1 and time after time we find ourselves astonished that
the result is not 3 or 4.
So
my friend has her first son four years ago. Her son was a colic baby,
and in the first couple of months he used to cry non-stop. Which is
something very expected from colic babies. At that time she used to
always complain about his constant crying (which is understandable) and
used to say: "I cannot wait until he starts to understand so that I ask
him to look into my eyes and then slap his face for all of this crying".
She would say it as a joke. But at that time I told her that even as a
joke it was horrible. It was as if she is "accusing" him of crying on
purpose just to step on her nerves! (We are talking here about a
helpless one month old new baby)
The baby grew up to be a very peaceful little boy. My friend was concerned. She repeatedly expressed that she wants him more aggressive. She several times repeated that she needs him to beat and attack and not be very peaceful so that other children will not hurt him - understood so far - so she started introducing him to the world of: kick, punch, pinch, slap, swear, cuss, insult, spit... and so on.
The first note she mentioned was that when he started to apply his lessons he started with her nephew. Well, for a child this age you do not expect him to behave selectively! You teach him to kick and punch, then kicking and punching will be his way.
Fast forward until today. My friend works in a school as an administrative assistant. She leaves her son with her in-laws as she loves above them. The other day her in-laws had an emergency (they had to admit the father into hospital) and she had to go to work because the school year here is about to start. So she took her son with her.
And there, at school, he exploded. He was running around. He hit the other children. He ran away from his mom and screamed. Each time she caught him he would struggle to set himself free and run away again screaming. He laughed hysterically. He was completely out of control. Finally, my friend dragged him to one empty class, and hit him HARD! She tells us that they both burst into tears... And she said that they have made a scene for the whole school LoL
I told my friend: "Did you prepare him for anything different? Do you respect him in your every day life so that he respects you?" she was surprised! She said: "Him? Respect him? And this little one knows what does respect mean?" I asked her: "Do you respect each other in front of him? If his father tells you some thing you do not like, do you shout? Do you slam the door behind you angrily and leave in the middle of the discussion? Do not you speak about your family's daughters in law with disrespect in front of him? Do not you speak about your sisters in low with disrespect in front of him?"
She, of course, does all of that.
On the other hand, she does not treat her child with respect. I mean she sure loves him. But she does not look at him as a being of himself. As a person. Or as a full human. She does not respect his mind and treats him as if he will not understand. She asks him to do things just because she wants him to do. When he disobeys she just yells at him without even trying to talk to him or explain anything. She does not address his mind. She loses control of her nerves with him and she yells at him. Several times I told her that losing her nerves with him and shouting at him will not discipline him, but will only tell him that she is out of control and that it will be easy for him to manipulate her, and that it will teach him to do the same in the future. At that time she told me that I am saying this because I am still not a mother and that things will change when I have my own baby. She told me that it is IMPOSSIBLE to control yourself with a child. Today, she is saying that when her son is angry he shouts crazily all the time and he is out of control and he beats and kicks. She says that when he is calm she can talk to him, but when she asks him why did he do what he did he says: "It is not my fault, you made me angry". I told her that this is something that he is being taught. By her and her husband. A four years old boy does not have a temper of himself, he is too old to be unable to express his discomfort, and too young to have worries of his own. When he does that he is copying the adults in his life.
When we got baby Leo, my friend came to visit along with another two friends and say congratulations for the baby. At that time her son was surprised to see baby Leo and expressed his amazement that he is too small. For some time he seemed to not take baby Leo out of his mind. He kept comparing him to himself and saying to his mom that "Baby Leo is too small because his mom does not feed him rice" LoL
Whenever he would ask his dad to play with him and his dad said no, he would tell him: "I am your son, dad, I am not the son of baby Leo's father!" It was funny at the beginning, but then it started to concern me. Some time ago, my friends came to visit me and this friend came with them. Her son was surprised to see how much baby Leo has grown. When he saw him he asked me: "Do you feed him rice?" and when I said yes, he went to his mom and told her: "quickly, mom, let's go home, I want to eat more rice so that I outgrow baby Leo, he cannot become as big as I am". When he saw baby Leo's car seat, he went there and tried to set in it. When he did not fit he tried to break it. When he failed to, he took it to the door of the room and put it facing outside and said: "I don't want to see this". He several times snatched toys from baby Leo. He started to be out of control, so I ran some cartoon songs on my smart phone with baby Leo in my lap and invited him to come and watch with us (at that time I was still lenient towards mobiles, now they are restricted for baby Leo). Baby Leo was in my lap to one side, and he sat beside me on the other side. While we were watching he tried several times to grab the phone and put it facing only him so that baby Leo could not see. The smart phone was in my hand so I resisted and kept adjusting the screen so that they both can see. Then he started grabbing Leo's arm and push it away. Finally, his grabs became more violent and he started nervously shouting at baby Leo and telling him: "Go set with your mother and stay away from me, I want to watch alone, do not bother me"... here I had enough with that scene. I turned the mobile off and told my friend's son "dear, this is a baby, if you grab his arm like this you will hurt him. You either go and play with the toys nicely or set beside your mother until you go home"
My friend did not seem to notice anything of what happened!
And now she is pregnant. The other day we were chatting, so I casually told her: "You should be careful and mentally prepare your son that he is having a brother. Your son is very jealous" she seemed not to notice ANYTHING her son does, and said: "we will wait and see if he will be jealous"...! Do you still want to wait and see? Why are you insisting to ignore the signs and behave as if you are discovering some thing new?
So did you understand what I mean when I talk about "Very Middle Eastern Child Rearing"?
And there, at school, he exploded. He was running around. He hit the other children. He ran away from his mom and screamed. Each time she caught him he would struggle to set himself free and run away again screaming. He laughed hysterically. He was completely out of control. Finally, my friend dragged him to one empty class, and hit him HARD! She tells us that they both burst into tears... And she said that they have made a scene for the whole school LoL
I told my friend: "Did you prepare him for anything different? Do you respect him in your every day life so that he respects you?" she was surprised! She said: "Him? Respect him? And this little one knows what does respect mean?" I asked her: "Do you respect each other in front of him? If his father tells you some thing you do not like, do you shout? Do you slam the door behind you angrily and leave in the middle of the discussion? Do not you speak about your family's daughters in law with disrespect in front of him? Do not you speak about your sisters in low with disrespect in front of him?"
She, of course, does all of that.
On the other hand, she does not treat her child with respect. I mean she sure loves him. But she does not look at him as a being of himself. As a person. Or as a full human. She does not respect his mind and treats him as if he will not understand. She asks him to do things just because she wants him to do. When he disobeys she just yells at him without even trying to talk to him or explain anything. She does not address his mind. She loses control of her nerves with him and she yells at him. Several times I told her that losing her nerves with him and shouting at him will not discipline him, but will only tell him that she is out of control and that it will be easy for him to manipulate her, and that it will teach him to do the same in the future. At that time she told me that I am saying this because I am still not a mother and that things will change when I have my own baby. She told me that it is IMPOSSIBLE to control yourself with a child. Today, she is saying that when her son is angry he shouts crazily all the time and he is out of control and he beats and kicks. She says that when he is calm she can talk to him, but when she asks him why did he do what he did he says: "It is not my fault, you made me angry". I told her that this is something that he is being taught. By her and her husband. A four years old boy does not have a temper of himself, he is too old to be unable to express his discomfort, and too young to have worries of his own. When he does that he is copying the adults in his life.
When we got baby Leo, my friend came to visit along with another two friends and say congratulations for the baby. At that time her son was surprised to see baby Leo and expressed his amazement that he is too small. For some time he seemed to not take baby Leo out of his mind. He kept comparing him to himself and saying to his mom that "Baby Leo is too small because his mom does not feed him rice" LoL
Whenever he would ask his dad to play with him and his dad said no, he would tell him: "I am your son, dad, I am not the son of baby Leo's father!" It was funny at the beginning, but then it started to concern me. Some time ago, my friends came to visit me and this friend came with them. Her son was surprised to see how much baby Leo has grown. When he saw him he asked me: "Do you feed him rice?" and when I said yes, he went to his mom and told her: "quickly, mom, let's go home, I want to eat more rice so that I outgrow baby Leo, he cannot become as big as I am". When he saw baby Leo's car seat, he went there and tried to set in it. When he did not fit he tried to break it. When he failed to, he took it to the door of the room and put it facing outside and said: "I don't want to see this". He several times snatched toys from baby Leo. He started to be out of control, so I ran some cartoon songs on my smart phone with baby Leo in my lap and invited him to come and watch with us (at that time I was still lenient towards mobiles, now they are restricted for baby Leo). Baby Leo was in my lap to one side, and he sat beside me on the other side. While we were watching he tried several times to grab the phone and put it facing only him so that baby Leo could not see. The smart phone was in my hand so I resisted and kept adjusting the screen so that they both can see. Then he started grabbing Leo's arm and push it away. Finally, his grabs became more violent and he started nervously shouting at baby Leo and telling him: "Go set with your mother and stay away from me, I want to watch alone, do not bother me"... here I had enough with that scene. I turned the mobile off and told my friend's son "dear, this is a baby, if you grab his arm like this you will hurt him. You either go and play with the toys nicely or set beside your mother until you go home"
My friend did not seem to notice anything of what happened!
And now she is pregnant. The other day we were chatting, so I casually told her: "You should be careful and mentally prepare your son that he is having a brother. Your son is very jealous" she seemed not to notice ANYTHING her son does, and said: "we will wait and see if he will be jealous"...! Do you still want to wait and see? Why are you insisting to ignore the signs and behave as if you are discovering some thing new?
So did you understand what I mean when I talk about "Very Middle Eastern Child Rearing"?
How sad for the 4 year old child to live in such an environment. It should be compulsory for new expecting mothers to attend a child care class so that they'll know how to take care of their own children. May Allah guide this little boy, and all other little children like him, to what is right and may they grow up to be righteous Muslims. Ameen.
ReplyDeleteAmeen ameen ya Rabb...
DeleteActually suggesting such classes would never be taken seriously here. We have this very knowledgeable and talented man here who is specialized in this field, his name is Dr. Yazan Abdou. He has a radio program where he discusses a certain issue and then the telephone lines are open for the audience to participate and ask. Most of the callers who call to ask for guidance regarding their children's behavioral problems end up being asked to correct a problem of their own. It is so sad!
Oh, and most of the parents that call asking for guidance are offered discounts for the classes (and some times free classes) and they refrain from attending!
DeleteIt could be pride - they don't want others to know that they have problems.
DeletePossible. Very possible. Although that trainer, Dr. Yazan, does his best to keep the privacy of his audience. They do not say their names nor does he alloe them to give extra details on the radio. He asks them to leave their phone numbers off the air and he calls them back. But still, some people do not want to share their problems. May be when it comes to giving their names an linking the problem to the owner they prefer to withdraw.
DeleteI really hope that this is the problem, because this can be overcome with time. At some pointz families would prefer that women would die before being examined by a stranger doctor!
Wow....yes, I was going to ask about parenting classes. How old is this mom? She seems clueless!
ReplyDeleteWell, as I said, no one takes pare.ting classes seriously!
DeleteMy friend is 33 years old, but she is an example of the average Middle Eastern mother! :-l
But you turned out well...and you and your husband aren't raising Leo like that. How did your families escape this phenomenon?
ReplyDeleteNo! Definitely not! Baby Leo is being raised in a VERY DIFFERENT way!
DeleteAs for my husband and me, thank God, we both come from families who put efforts in raising their children. Ofcourse, our families were not well informed about every thing, but thank God, they were true parents by instinct. They took raising us seriously enough, and that, alone, is great!
Today, my husband and I are trying our best to re-apply the good things about our upbringing, and avoid the mistakes in it. And, yes, we do read about parenting, we listen to accredited trainers, and we take baby Leo seriously. We treat him as a grown up, and we talk to him. We love him as we should. We love him consistently and try our best not to give him contradicted messages like some people do: they spoil their children and at the same time they show them anger and shout at them. I really hope that we will do our job the way it should be done!