When I am Split into Two!

The world knows me through my interface. My face and body, my reactions, my thoughts, the way I talk. To the world, all that is related to me is presented in one package: the woman known as Mama of Leo.

The truth is, what people see on the surface is just the end product.

Behind the scene, the story is different...

Since I was a very young kid, I was raised by religiously committed mom and dad. When I reached the age of school, I and my sisters have always been sent to Islamic schools. As I grew up, I was taught by, and I listened to, and I read books for ALOT of Islamic scholars. At this age, and with all that huge reservoir of Islamic knowledge, I am not still able to link the opinions and the specific knowledge to certain scholars. But a small "sheikh" has grown up inside me. Oooh, yes. He sets inside my head, and watched what I do every day. He does not like the era we are living in, and he longs to the days of Sahaba. He wishes he can exchange my whole life with only one day with the Prophet, may peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, and his companions.

Now during the days in which I attended university, I started to mix more with my Circassian society, and the outside world in general. I started to see how the world outside the sterilized bubble in which I used to live looks like. I started to see that the ideal world I was looking for did not exist. Gradually, I started to adjust my points of view to become less strict. But unlike I expected, I did not completely embrace my new thoughts. They were not new thoughts, to be more correct. It was an entity. A being. Just like that small sheikh, a tiny "cool Muslim" was born and was growing up inside my head. Eventually, this "cool Muslim" was completed and it became another little being of independent points of view and opinions! The cool Muslim lives this era with all of its requirements. She takes the internet and social media into consideration. She is an extreme feminist. She is not strict, and she believes that our time is not the time of strictly following rules. She believes in "the spirit of the law". She looks at the wide horizons open for Islamic daawa if we put aside "traditional" Islamic thoughts and look at Islam with an eye of modernity. She believes that Islam is Islam, but our understanding might differ according to the angle from which we look at it. And we are all correct as long as our interpretations find a place within the broad guidelines of Islam and as long as we do not contradict its basics.

And ever since these two little persons started to co-exist in my head, I have been passing through phases. Sometimes, I just listen to both and say: "thank you for your opinions, but Allahu aalam. I do not need to decide now so just lets move on". Some times, the sheikh takes over me. Some times the Cool Muslim takes over me. Most of the times, I am torn between the two!

For example... the issue of music... the "sheikh" tells me that it is haraam. Period. I should never listen to music. Even Islamic nasheeds should be with no percussion. The cool Muslims tells me that I am complicating things. Music itself is only instruments making sounds, but are organized in a certain manner to give a systematic sound. She tells me to stay away from certain music, and to pay attention to lyrics (in case there was any) and that's it! She tells me that music is a very important instrument to convey our message of Islam. She reminds me of the great achievements that Sami Yousuf and Maher Zain are making. 

The issue of hijab... the sheikh inside me tells me to restrict my options to Jelbabs (loose coats with front buttons which are worn usually with either pants or a skirt under it) or abayas, and to wear a loose scarf that falls over my shoulders. The cool Muslim tells me that an abaya can be worn to family visits... but it is not a professional outfit to wear to work! And she tells me that today's jelbabs are more stylish than Islamic... They are tighter, they hug the bottom, and a loose top and a skirt are more suitable as a hijab than a jilbab!

The issue of politics.... the sheikh and the cool muslim run to each other in tears and they hug each other and say in one voice: "politics only destroys faith... it only disturbs.... it only distorts one's views... no politics... down with politics!"