Cross-cultural Marriages

So as a beginning, let me admit that I am a person that respects every ethnicity, every culture, every race and every color. I love my own culture and I love every one else's cultures. As much as I like to get to know my own people's customs and traditions, and explore mythology and legends, and whatever aspects related to my own culture, I love to explore other people's cultures as well. I just LOVE the scene of little children dressed in their nations' folklore clothes.

I never made nationality or culture a barrier preventing me from making friends. I have Arab friends, Russian, Taiwanese, American, Italian, Kurd, Turkish, Chechen.... whatever the nationality or ethnicity is, if a person is easy going and wouldn't mind being my friend, I do not mind as well.

EXCEPT!...

When it comes to marriage. Specially when Islam comes into the image. From my own perspective, I was only exposed to the situation when I was asked for marriage by Arab men. And I never was ok with that. I -in many cases- refused offers for the sole reason of the proposer not being Circassian.

Not out of arrogance. And not because I look down at other races. But for several other reasons.

First of all, I belong to a small Muslim nation that is scattered around the world. Circassians originally are from the Caucasus mountains, but their lands were always wanted by the Russian empire. After more than a hundred years of war, they were convinced -after they willingly embraced Islam, eventually, as a whole nation- that their land is a land of Kufr, and in order to be good Muslims they should live in the land of the Sultan, the Khalifa of Allah on earth. Long story short, we ended up as minorities: as immigrants (or refugees?) in diaspora, or as indigenous peoples in our homeland. Today, in the age of globalization, our culture is in danger of extinction. One of our family of languages (Ubeikh language) has already died with the death of the last old woman who spoke it. Now, the Ubeikh language exists only as written texts that no one knows what are the grammar rules used to interpret them! So my nation is gradually melting away. My culture is dying. My people's language is, too.

And for some reason, a good amount of Circassian men who are religiously committed do not look for brides among Circassians. They want girls who are 'Muslim enough'. And for some reason they are convinced that marrying a good Muslim non-Circassian girl makes them closer to Allah. So the traces of our nations are being lost among other nations. And those who remain inside, are people who are not appealing enough to the outside world, so they have no other option except to look for their other halves inside the Circassian community. So knowing that I am trying my best to be a good Muslim, and I am one of a good education (alhamdulellah), and I do feel that I can raise children of good quality, I feel that my nation has an obligation over me: to offer well bred Circassian youth. 

Second, when Islam comes into the picture, some how Arab culture is dragged along without much distinguishing between the two. Alot of aspects of the Arab culture are presented to the non-Arab world as (Islamic). Like, for example, assuming that hijab means Abaya or Jilbab or Thobe. Which is never correct. Hijab means covering your whole body except for the face and hands with loose clothes that are not transparent, that are not masculine nor perfumed. So a loose Circassian dress with a Circassian hat and scarf that well covers what needs to be covered is NEVER less of a hijab than a black abaya or a Palestinian embroidered thobe! And I would never accept that some one would impose his culture over me in the name of Islam! Because, then, my nation also is a Muslim nation. Why wouldn't my nation's theme be considered the theme of Islam? Or is it just because we are a small nation? Why wouldn't we call Circassian art and Circassian decorations Islamic art or decorations as the case is with Arabs?

The names are another story. When I have children, as a Circassian, I want to give them Circassian names. I want to be able to name my girls Sina or Sinamees or Jan, and my boys Aslan or Janty or Kaplan, without some one objecting on that because "it is better to give them Islamic names", meaning by that Arab names! Naming children after the prophets and the sahaba is great, and I am sure is rewarded by Allah subhanahu wa taala, but these are not the only options available! Even in the days of the prophet, Salla Allah Aleih wa Sallam, the sahaba were free choosing names for their children, there was no "Islamic" names, there was only names that are not liked by Allah, like "Burrah" and "Malik al Amlak" and many other names. So naming after the prophet salla Allah aleih wa Sallam or the sahaba is not even sunnah, let alone sticking to Arab names!

So these are two simple reasons why I always refused to get married to a non-Circassian. I have more reasons, but the post is ling already :-)

Now is cross-cultural marriage as a whole bad?

I would say not always.

If a cross-cultural marriage is based on the understanding of the two culture, and the understanding of Islam as something independent of two cultures, then it is totally OK and is totally fine.

BUT!

If cross-cultural marriage is motivated by the sincere emotions of one part feeling that marrying the other part will make him or her "more Muslim", then I would not recommend. The part who feels he or she originates from a less-Muslim culture will eventually feel deprived from a huge part of his or her identity, while sticking to the other part's culture is not making him any better as a Muslim. Also, when the part driven by emotion sees the other "more Muslim" part on reality, and sees how his or her culture translates on ground, he or she might be seriously disappointed, specially after the emotional motive calms down and the flames fade away.

That was a quick brainstorming about the issue.

Fell free to tell me what you think!