Coming Out...

My story with writing online and privacy has always been weird...

Back in 2006, I had an Arabic blog, and I was in touch with local Jordanian and Arab bloggers only, men and women. I started blogging using a nickname, Naryat, and my real identity was something that I kept for myself and the few bloggers I knew in person.

Gradually, I released my real name, and a couple of photos of me. The blog was all in all personal, and most probably told nothing except who am I and what does my life look like. Because of an unpleasant encounter with one of the bloggers, a guy who was interested in me (I was single back then) and insisted that he is interested "just as a friend", but at the same time pressed hard towards getting to know me better and on "the real life and family level" (!) and because I expected what will happen and made up my decision already that this is not a suitable match for me, I kept refusing, and because "responsibility" played a great role in my up-bringing, I felt responsible for his misery, and made the conclusion that I have to cease to exist in the cyber space, so I closed my blog.

Short after that, I started a new blog, and got back in touch with some of the old blogging friends. This time, things were more discreet, and I asked my blogging friends to not post links to my blog in theirs. I went on for some time, writing some general posts most of the time, and some personal posts from time to time. This time the addition was that my creative writing talent was released, and I starting posting some poetry and short stories from time to time. Then, again, I went through some unpleasant encounters, and the personal content of my blog was used to prove some points that were "assumed" to be my negative traits. All in all, that second blog was used to prove that I am an extrovert person and that I am ready to release personal details of my life to whoever reads my blog. I deleted the blog again. In fact, I wanted to burn that blog if I could, LOL

This blog is completely different. The audience is different (assuming that the audience exists, of course! LOL) in the sense that it is diverse, none of which I know in person. The one or two that I know more closely, I knew them after the blog, not before. Almost no one of the readers is within my own geographical area. The content is different as well. Less personal content, and when it exists, it comes in the service of the more general purpose of the blog: sharing experiences regarding motherhood, Islam, career life, work-life balance, culture and religion... etc.

The thing is that, on this blog, I am more capable of maintaining privacy. Although it is now less needed. May be it is because in the context of this blog, no one really needs to know who really I am. Also, I think that this is something that my work within an international organization has participated in shaping, in my organization, the individual is not really seen, no one really "shines" alone, we look at what we do as a collective effort whose result is crowned with the organization's logo. We see each others as the different hair and skin colored colleagues that wear the bright blue vest or badge that carries the organization logo. No matter who that "person" is, once the organization logo is caught, that's enough of an indication that this person is one of "the family", without the need to know who he or she really is.

I am not sure, though, if this will continue to be the case.

Some times I feel that I have a role as myself, not as a member of that collective effort. Some times I pause and think that I am now 34 years old, a mature adult with the experience and knowledge that enable me to have a real "contribution". The thought gives me chills. I still remember that one of my goals was to publish a book before the age of 40. And I feel that now I am ready to do. However, I shiver when I think that this would mean coming out to the world. I do not mind my thoughts being released to the world, however, the thought of the world associating these thoughts with my name scares me. I really still feel the need to separate my thoughts from me as a person. the world can judge my thoughts, they are the intellectual property of humanity. However, I, the person, needs to remain a role model for my son. It makes me dizzy.

However, with the dear ladies that read this blog, things are different. You, ladies (again, if you still read after my chronic tardiness!) deserve to know who I am.

My real name is Noor. Noor Shroukh. My son, baby Leo, is not a baby any more. His name is Aslan. Which makes me, actually, Umm Aslan.

And here we are. Umm Aslan, Noor, and he little joy.